Those Crafty Slytherins
by Siofra The Elf
Summary: Finally, after six years of putting up with the noise from the louder two of the Gryffindor Golden Trio, Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass come up with a plan to silence them once and for all.


**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Although if we could negotiate a deal on the rights to Blaise Zabini...Grins evilly **

* * *

"Ronald Weasley, you utter prat! What on earth would possess you to seal the pages of my book shut?" 

"Maybe I wanted you to get your nose out of the damned thing, Hermione!"

"Watch your language!"

"Make me!"

Over at the Slytherin table, sixth years Blaise Zabini and Daphne Greengrass exchanged eye rolls. Another typical breakfast at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The two Slytherins were a study in contrasts. The boy was tall and well built, with olive skin and dark hair. The girl was short and petite, all blonde hair and big green eyes. The boy was wearing a slight frown, whereas the girl's expression was near homicidal.

"Some people have absolutely no tact," Daphne said blearily. "Arguing before I've had coffee."

Blaise filled her cup with the dark liquid, shaking his head. "The day hasn't even properly started and they're already at it."

Daphne took a bracing swig of coffee. "I wish they'd just stop bickering for once."

"The only way they'd do that is if they started snogging instead," Blaise replied darkly.

Daphne spewed coffee across the table, hitting a pair of unfortunate third years. "Salazar save us, Blaise, thanks for _that_ mental image!"

Blaise, in a very uncharacteristic move, did not laugh at the sight of the disgruntled third years. Instead, he was wearing a thoughtful smile. This was never good, and usually resulted in someone either being maimed or getting severe detentions.

"Uh oh," Daphne said warily. "I'm not sure I like that smirk. Blaise, stop smirking like that!"

"Why is Blaise smirking?" Tracey Davis wanted to know.

"I don't know," Daphne replied. "That's what worries me."

Tracey shrugged and turned back to her plate, knowing better than to get involved in anything that included the shenanigans of Blaise Zabini.

"I was just thinking," Blaise said quietly, refilling Daphne's coffee cup. He had a feeling she'd need all the caffeine possible for what he was about to suggest. "Wouldn't all our lives be easier if Granger and Weasley would just shut up?"

Daphne snorted. "That'll happen when the stars shine green in a yellow sky. You said yourself that they'd only stop fighting if…" She stopped speaking, not liking the look on Blaise's face at all.

"Exactly," he said, shaking his shock of ink-black hair out of his equally dark eyes.

"No," Daphne said firmly, green eyes flashing. "Don't even think about it. I refuse."

"But it's a good idea," Blaise insisted.

"It's a terrible idea," Daphne argued.

"It would make our lives so much easier," Blaise said. "Just think, we could go to the library and _get homework done_, instead of having to camp out in our dormitories. We could go to a Quidditch game and not listen to her shouting at him afterwards for neglecting his studies. You could enjoy your coffee without accompanying shouts."

It was the coffee part that convinced her. Damn Blaise for knowing her weaknesses.

"Fine," she said. "I'll help you set up the Dreadful Duo."

"I knew you'd come around," Blaise said triumphantly, tweaking a lock of her long blonde hair.

She really hated it when he did that.

* * *

"Weasley," Blaise said. "Granger's too clever. The girl really should have been in Slytherin. But Weasley I can manipulate." 

"Are you sure?" Daphne asked.

"If I fail, you can always flash a smile at him," Blaise said teasingly.

"What?"

"Remember old Fleur Delacour?" he asked.

"How could I forget her?" came the dry reply.

"Weasley has a thing for blondes."

"Well, that's great," Daphne said sarcastically. "I was under the impression that he had a thing for bushy-haired know-it-alls."

"Them, too," Blaise said calmly. "I hope."

* * *

"Weasley, mind if I have a word?" Daphne asked silkily, catching him outside of Potions, the last class of the day. They'd decided that Ron would be more likely to trust a girl. 

"What?" Ron asked.

"I need to talk to you," Daphne said, putting her hand on his arm. As predicted, this set Hermione a-glaring and a-fuming. Blaise gave Daphne the thumbs up from the doorway, before setting quickly off down the hall.

"Sure," Ron said, confusion wrinkling his brow.

"Ron, we've got a Transfiguration essay," Hermione reminded him rather irritably. "You don't have time to chat."

Harry looked rather down at the reminder of his load of homework. But, then again, all the sixth years were under a load of pressure. N.E.W.T.s coming up next year, and all.

"It'll only take a minute, I promise," Daphne assured her, smiling in a vaguely challenging manner that she'd spent fifteen minutes practicing in the mirror that morning, until Blaise had deemed her perfect. "I'll return your friend in no time at all," she added, putting ever so slight a stress on the word 'friend.'

"I'll be right back," Ron said.

"Walk with me, Weasley," Daphne ordered, taking his arm and steering him away from Hermione and Harry.

"What's this all about?" Ron demanded.

"Patience is a virtue," Daphne said mysteriously. She then lead him around the corner, through a secret passageway, and into a deserted stretch of corridor.

Footsteps down the hall heralded the arrival of Blaise.

"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes," Daphne said wryly, loudly enough to make Blaise's face break into a smile.

"Funny," he said. "I was thinking exactly the same thing about you."

"What's going on?" Ron demanded.

"Ah, Weasley," Blaise said, then twisted the knob of the closest door. He swung it open and gestured inside. "Please, step into my office."

Ron walked through the door, muttering something under his breath about barmy Slytherins as he went.

* * *

Ron Weasley, quite frankly, was stunned. Not only that, he was shocked. Surprised, even, and many other words beginning in the letter s. 

"What?" was all he could say.

"We've already explained it to you," Blaise said. "Surely you realize what we're trying to say?"

"He may be thick, Blaise, but he's not stupid," Daphne chastised.

"Oh yeah?" Blaise challenged. "He's been in denial for the past six years!"

"I have not been in denial!" Ron yelled.

Daphne nodded, affecting a weary expression. "Fighting day and night."

"Driving us all mad," Blaise added.

"Kissing in the middle of the Great Hall," Daphne said, and a small smile broke onto her face. "Really, you'd think a bit of kissing would help release some UST."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Ron demanded to know.

"We were all there, Ron," Blaise said. Somehow during the course of the conversation they'd reverted to first names. "Wasn't that the day Draco unveiled that masterpiece of a tune?"

"He always did know how to pen an insult," Daphne said fondly.

"Not that," Ron said, waving his hands around. "I know what you're talking about. What's UST?"

"Unresolved Sexual Tension," the Slytherins chorused.

"What?" Ron yelped. He seemed to be saying that a lot. "I don't know where you're getting your information, but I do _not_ fancy Hermione!"

"You don't?" Daphne asked innocently.

"Of course not," Ron said. "Just because she's brilliant, and funny, and wonderful, and has this annoying habit of rolling her eyes _all the time_, and I feel so alive whenever she's around, and when she's not there it drives me mad, and sometimes, when you catch her in the right light her hair looks like a golden halo…" He trailed off into silence, another word that starts with the letter s.

The Slytherins were smirking at him.

"Bloody hell," he said weakly. "I _do_ fancy Hermione."

"There's a good chap," Blaise said jovially. "I knew you weren't as dumb as you look!"

"Says you," Daphne muttered.

* * *

"Now what?" Daphne demanded later that night, when the Slytherins were all snug in their beds. 

"Shush, Daphne," Blaise said. "I am the criminal mastermind behind this plot, I will reveal the next step of the plan when I am good and ready."

"Meaning whenever it'll have the most dramatic impact?" she inquired.

"Damn straight," he replied.

**Plan A: Just Tell Her Already**

"Er…Hermione, can I speak with you for a second?" Ron asked. Blaise and Daphne were giving him the thumbs up from the Slytherin table.

"Sure," Hermione said absently. "What?"

"I meant…um…privately," Ron said, stumbling over his words slightly.

Hermione cocked an eyebrow at him. "Okay."

She got up and they left the Great Hall, the Slytherin duo giving each other surreptitious high-fives under the table.

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

Ron lost all his nerve. He couldn't help it. She looked at him out of those big brown eyes, her eyebrows raised slightly, her brow furrowed in that singularly cute way, and he lost it.

That didn't go over well when he tried to explain it to his odd cohorts.

"You just _ran away_?" Daphne moaned, dropping her forehead to Blaise's shoulder in despair. "He ran away."

"I'm perfectly aware of that," Blaise said. "Ron, you idiot! Now we have to come up with a new plan."

"What if I don't want a new plan?" Ron said stubbornly. "What if I've changed my mind?"

Daphne began to beat her forehead against Blaise's shoulder. "What mind?" she asked mournfully.

"No insulting, Daphne, please restrain yourself," Blaise said. "And you are going to give me a bruise if you keep beating your head that way."

Daphne stopped and raised her head to look at Ron. "Do you still fancy her?"

"Well, yes," Ron said. "But what if she doesn't fancy me?"

"She does," the Slytherins said as one.

**Plan B: The Happy Kiss**

"I don't get it, Weasley," Blaise snapped. "It was a perfectly simple plan! A Quidditch game…"

"A lovely win for Gryffindor," Daphne added.

"Again," Blaise said. "Whoopee, you're the Keeper, you're so happy you've won that you just…"

"Kiss her!" Daphne finished dramatically. "Then it's, 'Whoops, sorry, Hermione. Just got carried away!'"

"Then she won't be able to resist kissing you again!" Blaise explained. "It was so simple."

"So simple," Daphne repeated sullenly. "And instead, you muck the whole thing up by hurrying off to the locker room before she even got down there."

Ron turned red. "Now, listen here. Hermione's not that kind of girl. You can't just go around _kissing_ her! She's special."

"You know," Blaise said. "That's kind of sweet."

"In a nauseatingly Gryffindor way," Daphne commented.

"We need a new plan," Blaise said. "Ron, you are not to mess this one up. You have to swear you won't back out."

"Call upon that bravery you Gryffindors are always talking about," Daphne encouraged.

"If you say so," Ron said doubtfully.

Blaise's brow was furrowed in thought. "Maybe Ron should buy her a gift."

"Flowers?" Daphne suggested.

"I was thinking candy," Blaise said.

"How about a nice hat?" Daphne said.

"Or a new set of dress robes," Blaise put in.

"Maybe even jewelry," Daphne mused.

"Have the both of you gone bonkers?" Ron demanded hotly. "You're talking about _girl_ presents!"

"In case you haven't noticed," Blaise said dryly, "Hermione is a girl."

"But she's different," Ron insisted. "I mean, if I was to get her something she'd truly love, it'd have to be…I dunno, the complete, unabridged version of _Hogwarts; A History_. If such a thing existed."

The Slytherins were staring at Ron in shock.

"What?" he demanded.

"It's brilliant," Blaise breathed.

"Oh, Ron!" Daphne squealed, throwing her arms around him. Ron looked slightly bewildered. "Forget all the nasty things I've ever said to you!"

"What?"

"I might want to use them again, you know," Daphne muttered.

"Huh?"

"What?" she scoffed. "Being snarky and witty all the time isn't as easy as I make it look, you know."

"Back on topic," Blaise reminded her. "I think it's brilliant. Although, an unabridged _Hogwarts; A History _would be exceptionally difficult to get our hands on."

"The thrice-cursed Ministry keeps editing the things," Daphne said scornfully. "Why, one that hasn't been edited would have all sorts of information on things like the Chamber of Secrets and the illicit affair between Slytherin and Ravenclaw…"

"_What?_" Ron shouted.

"Poor, innocent Gryffindors," Daphne sighed.

"The question, of course, is how to acquire one," Blaise said. "It'd have to be from a Slytherin."

"One who's got an extensive library at home," Daphne said.

"They'd have to be rich to keep the Ministry officials from confiscating the book in the first place," Blaise added.

"Which means it has to be a family known for it's sneakiness," Ron put in.

They smirked at each other. The answer was quite obvious.

**Plan C, Part One: The Bargain**

"Weasley, you ready?" Daphne muttered, speaking out of the corner of her mouth whilst seemingly ignoring the redhead behind her.

"There's a particular essay I haven't done that I'll be sure to bring up," Ron said. "It's a snap."

"Right ho," Blaise said. "Commence Part One."

The three of them sauntered into the Great Hall, Ron heading for the Gryffindor table and the other two heading for the Slytherin table. A few minutes later, right on cue, raised voices were heard.

"Ron, I've told you three times that essay needs to be finished!"

"It was a beautiful day, Hermione! Thought I'd get in some Quidditch practice!"

"You and your infernal Quidditch! If you fail your N.E.W.T.s, don't come crying to me!"

"Are you saying I'm not smart enough to pass my N.E.W.T.s?"

"Of course not! I'm just saying it wouldn't do you any harm to study once in a while!"

"It wouldn't do you any harm to get your nose out of my business!"

"I'm just trying to help, Ron!"

"Don't they ever shut up?" Daphne complained loudly, affecting a mournful expression and sneaking a sly look at the target.

"Some days I just want to lock them in a closet," Blaise said, his voice carrying down the table and causing small outbursts of laughter.

"They'd probably kill each other," Draco drawled. Blaise and Daphne grinned. They had him right where they wanted him.

"You know, our lives would be a lot easier if they just confessed that they fancied each other," Daphne said conversationally.

"This is Granger and Weasley," Blaise said. "He'd have to do something special."

"Jewelry always works," Daphne quipped.

"This is Granger and Weasley," Blaise repeated. "He'd have to get her something Granger-ish."

"Like a complete, unabridged copy of _Hogwarts; A History_?" Daphne asked jokingly.

"I've got one of those at home," Draco mused. More subtle evil grins between the conspirators.

"Well," Pansy said, "maybe you should just give it to Weasley and nudge him in the right direction."

"A priceless manuscript?" Draco scoffed. "Are you mad? He'd probably drop it somewhere."

"I suggest we take up a collection," Blaise announced. "Draco, how much do you think that book's worth?"

"What are you getting at?" Draco asked.

"How much are we all willing to pay to get some peace around here?" Daphne said. The rest of the Slytherins began to murmur to each other, most of them nodding.

"Three hundred Galleons," Draco said immediately. "Not a knut less."

"What do you think?" Blaise inquired of his fellow Slytherins. "Three hundred Galleons?"

"Done!" shouted Tracey Davis. They really had always liked her.

* * *

"Here it is," Daphne said reverently, lifting an old, dusty book from her bag. "The solution to all our problems." 

"What?" Ron said.

"Well, um, that is, your problem," Daphne corrected hastily, holding the book out for him to take.

Ron took it and ran his hands over the cover, shaking his head ever so slightly. "Are you guys sure about this?"

"It was _your_ idea," Blaise reminded him.

"Maybe we should reconsider," Daphne said abruptly. "It was _his_ idea."

Blaise clapped a hand over her mouth. "Shush, you."

**Plan C: The Perfect Gift**

"Hermione?" Ron said, sitting down beside her in the library.

"Hmm?" she asked absently, busy writing something on a long piece of parchment.

Blaise and Daphne were hidden behind a bookcase, peering between the dusty tomes as their prodigy worked his seductive magic.

"Er…whatcha writing?" Ron stammered.

Scratch that.

"Essay for Charms," Hermione replied. She looked up at him finally. "Can I do something for you?"

"Snog him!" Daphne yelled.

Hermione whipped around, but the Slytherins had fallen to the ground in fits of silent laughter. "Did you hear that?" she asked.

"Hear what?" Ron said, though his ears had gone red.

"Nothing," Hermione said, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Nothing. What was it you wanted, Ron?"

"Your hot body!" Daphne yelled again. Blaise clapped a hand over her mouth, shaking his head warningly whilst trying not to laugh.

"Okay, I heard it that time, I'm certain of it," Hermione said sharply.

"Are you feeling alright?" Ron said. "I mean, I didn't hear anything."

"Maybe I'm delusional," Hermione sighed.

"This ought to make you feel better," Ron said, laying down a wrapped package with a flourish.

Hermione simply looked at it for a second. "What is it?"

"Just a little something," Ron said with a shrug. "It had your name written all over it."

"You got me a present?" Hermione asked slowly, looking shocked.

"Yeah," Ron said with a shrug.

Hermione reached out and undid the wrapping, revealing the cover of the book. Then she gasped. "Ron, this is…this is the original copy of _Hogwarts; A History_!"

"I know," Ron said simply.

"Oh, thank you," Hermione breathed, throwing her arms around him.

"That's not a proper thank you," Daphne whispered fiercely. "Snog the boy!"

The Slytherins weren't sure if Hermione had heard Daphne's whisper. All they knew was that suddenly she was kissing Ron for all she was worth. And then Blaise and Daphne realized they were stuck behind this bookcase until the two Gryffindors stopped, unless they wanted to get caught.

"Didn't think this bit through," Blaise said weakly.

"I did," Daphne said, jumping on Blaise and snogging him for England. Blaise found that he really didn't mind.


End file.
